December 2nd, 2023
“It’s quality, not quantity, that counts,” isn’t a consolation for those who are satisfied with their social lives. I’ve heard it many times – likely at various points in my life by well-intentioned loved ones during near identical circumstances where my social world has been disappointing or destabilized –and it makes me feel frustrated. Surely, there is more to friendships than only quality and quantity.
This way of seeing relationships as a status of wellness and productivity suggests a society so invested in categorizing the complex need for enriching and deep social connections into matters of numbers and worthiness. Where time and energy have become so scarce that the language around money and spending are seamlessly integrated into language surrounding love and connection.
It’s important to me to be allowed to hold onto and sit with the knowledge that I am lonely at the same time as I am surrounded by people; that the amount of people in my life is not always enough regardless of quality – that this doesn’t make me ungrateful; that I can be loved and misunderstood at the same time; that loving myself isn’t always possible if others don’t love me as well.
Our feelings of loneliness and isolation are valid. We are often asked to be well-connected at the same time as we aren’t allowed to be. We are told that everyone is a little lonely, that everyone needs someone, and yet, the search for belonging, understanding, and community can feel impossible. But ultimately, these feelings are completely subject to and contingent on, change. I choose to believe that while change can bring me even more loneliness, this too can and will change. That one day, the question of quantity or quality will no longer be necessary for me to ask.
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