I often avoid doing anything new that I might not be ‘good’ at even though trying something new, for many, is an exciting prospect. I am terrified of failure. When I was younger, I was very high achieving in academics, sports, and hobbies. Everyone would marvel at my wide range of talents and abilities. But underneath it all was a broiling and constant fear of failing and embarrassing myself. I considered being ‘bad’ at something as a reflection on who I was as a whole. As a result, despite being talented at doing various things, I rarely enjoyed doing them.
In the wake of this fear, I find myself in an identity crisis where I don’t know what I enjoy doing versus what I’ve been told I’m ‘good’ at. Even though these two things seemed to be the same to me when I was younger, I am now realizing that they are separate. In addition to enjoying what I’m good at, I can enjoy doing something that I am not objectively ‘good’ at, and I can hate doing something at which I am amazing. And overall, the new things that scare me most are related to the one thing that was overlooked in my external appearance of success: socialization and relationships.
I have realized that my fear of humiliation stemmed out of wanting to be liked and wanting the approval of those around me. In my struggles with socializing and friendships, I threw all my efforts into being ‘good’ at everything in order to compensate for being “awkward,” “shy,” and “serious.” I believe that it worked because my social struggles were absorbed into how people saw me. They became a part of who people, including myself, thought I was. For me, trying something new isn’t related to hobbies as much as it might mean going to a new and unfamiliar restaurant, taking the bus for more than twenty minutes, going to a party, or talking to someone new. Something new doesn’t always have to mean a hobby!
So, I want to offer an alternative perspective to the idea that we simply need to let go of our fear of failure. This feeling of fear is rational as far as the unknown is concerned. Of course no one wants to open themselves up to ridicule. Instead of letting go of this fear as if something is wrong with us for feeling it in the first place, I’ve found that doing something new despite feeling scared allows me to see that people are not looking to ridicule me. Even though it’s difficult, exposing myself to new things, I gain confidence in myself as new things aren’t new forever.
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